::blows dust off of blog::
Errrmm… Hi guys! Is there anyone still out there?!
::looks around hesitantly::
well… this has been a most interesting year and a bit, in which I’ve done an incredible amount of work (though of course never enough), met some fantastic people, travelled over large swathes of the country, and discovered some interesting truths about myself and self employment (hint: it’s not so much fun as it sounds).
To cut a long story short, I’m currently writing this from the desk assigned to me by my new employer. Yep: I’ve gone back to the world of corporate insanity (and a regular paycheck), as of two weeks ago. To my great sadness, I found that I wasn’t physically able to keep up with the demands of dyeing yarn full time, and probably not psychologically up to the task, either. For me, self employment meant never, ever actually being off duty. Combine that with the total uncertainty of how much money I will actually make – and when – and I’ve spent a lot of the last year hiding from myself, my life and the things I really enjoyed doing.
This last weekend was the first in a long, long time that I’ve actually spent two days not even thinking that I should, probably, do some work at some point.
So, what does this mean for Yarnscape?
Firstly, I will of course be seeing the current club out to its conclusion. Secondly, though, I will be having a good long hiatus from dyework for a while. I don’t know when, or if, I will continue trading – but I do know that I won’t start up again until I feel like I want to. Yarnscape will return to being a paying hobby, not a second job. I neither want nor need a second job – I need free time, creativity and enjoyment.
This is an incredibly bittersweet post to write – on the one hand, it means the end (at least for now) of a dream. I thought that running Yarnscape full time would be incredibly liberating, but it turned out to be exactly the opposite. And finding out that my body could not keep up with my hopes and dreams has been a nasty blow, too. On the other hand, it is amazingly wonderful to get this post written. It’s taken me a long time to do it. Partly because I didn’t know how to – and partly because writing about it makes it real, makes it public, and makes it final. It’s hard not to feel like a failure in these circumstances. I know I’m not a failure – my business was gaining momentum, profitable in its first year, and starting to make a real impact. But I still feel like I’ve let the whole thing down.
And going back to work! Wow. Well, I’m not going to deny that a regular paycheck will be a very, very nice thing to have. And, as previously mentioned, I know that I will have more spare time as a result, not less. You can definitely expect to see me around here more regularly – more spare time means more time to actually knit, spin and weave, as well as blog about it, and I won’t feel limited to only working on Yarnscape-relevant projects any more. Perhaps most importantly, though, I think I will be happier than I have been in a long time. Employment is, in many ways, the easy option in our society. It must be, or we would all be self-employed! And I think this last year and a bit has helped me work ‘the dream’ out of my system, at least for a while.
Several people have contacted me, asking if I’m OK because I’ve been so quiet (thank you!! You know who you are!), and the answer is – Yes. Yes, I am OK – probably more OK than I’ve been for years. Long may it last.